Before You Ask “What Should I Do?” Ask “Who Am I?”

One of the most common questions people ask—quietly or aloud—is, “What is my purpose?" Yet an even more important question often comes first: “Do I really know who I am?”

Many of us grow up moving quickly from one expectation to another—school, career, marriage, success—without ever pausing to understand the self that is meant to live out these roles. We are taught what to do far more than we are taught who we are. And so, purpose feels elusive, not because it is absent, but because the foundation—identity—was never properly explored.

From early childhood, identity is not formed in a neutral space. Boys and girls are socialized differently—praised, corrected, encouraged, and restricted in gender-specific ways. Girls may be affirmed for being nurturing, compliant, or “well-behaved,” while boys are often rewarded for assertiveness, independence, and strength. Over time, these patterns quietly answer questions children never consciously ask: What is valued in me? What must I suppress? What am I expected to become?

This helps explain a question many adults wrestle with later in life: “Why does my success still feel incomplete?” Sociologists like George Herbert Mead and psychologists such as Lev Vygotsky remind us that identity is constructed through social interaction. When gender norms influence these interactions, they also impact self-perception, confidence, ambition, and even the types of dreams people allow themselves to have.

Yet gendered socialization, powerful as it is, is not destiny.

Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre’s assertion that “existence precedes essence” offers a liberating counter-narrative. While biology and culture influence us, they do not fully define us. Within both men and women exists an inner self—values, convictions, gifts, and inclinations—that may or may not align neatly with societal expectations. Identity formation, therefore, requires discernment: Which parts of who I am are authentic, and which parts were learned for survival or acceptance?

This discovery matters because purpose flows naturally from self-understanding. Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences challenges the idea that intelligence—or worth—comes in only one form. Some people think in numbers, others in stories; some connect deeply with people, others with ideas or systems. When individuals understand their “own music,” they stop trying to live someone else’s life and begin offering something authentic to the world.

Yet gender norms often narrow which forms of intelligence are celebrated in men and women. When people are discouraged from exploring their full range of abilities, society loses potential—and individuals lose clarity.

Education and career paths are often where this tension becomes most visible. Many women ask, “Why must I choose between identity and responsibility?” while many men quietly wonder, “Why am I valued only for what I provide?” Paulo Freire warned against systems that pour expectations into people rather than drawing out who they are. Without self-knowledge, individuals may achieve social approval while feeling internally displaced.

Understanding identity also involves acknowledging gendered vulnerabilities and strengths. Albert Bandura’s concept of self-efficacy reminds us that people can learn, adapt, and change. Knowing yourself does not mean accepting limitation as fate; it means working with honesty and intention.

Ultimately, identity is not about rejecting gender, but about integrating it wisely. As John Donne observed, “No man is an island.” Who we are—men and women alike—is meant to serve others. When people understand themselves, they contribute with clarity, humility, and purpose.

So perhaps the better question is not “What should I do with my life?” but rather, “Who am I becoming—and how can that serve the world?”